Three Part Series: The Surprising Power of Being “Nice”: What Game Theory Teaches Us About Conflict and Cooperation
Welcome to a three-part series exploring the surprising science of cooperation. Over the next three weeks, we’ll dive into game theory’s counterintuitive findings about conflict, uncover the neural patterns that sabotage our best intentions, and discover practical ways to transform these insights into thriving relationships. Whether you’re navigating workplace tensions, family dynamics, or community challenges, this series reveals why kindness isn’t just nice—it’s strategic.
Part 1: The Counterintuitive Science of Cooperation
Have you ever wondered why so many conflicts—between nations, neighbors, or even coworkers—seem to spiral, even when everyone would be better off cooperating?
When “Nice” Wins: The Counterintuitive Lesson from Game Theory
My dear friend, Eric J, recently shared a great summary video from Veritasium¹ about how mathematical models can predict human behavior in conflicts. What strikes many people most is how counterintuitive the findings were: in repeated interactions, the most successful strategy isn’t ruthlessness—it’s being “nice.”
There are lots of people who challenge this: “Being nice is a luxury. In the real world, you need to strike first or get taken advantage of.” Many heads nod in agreement. The belief that cooperation equals weakness is deeply ingrained in our competitive dominator culture.
Yet game theory—the mathematical study of strategic decision-making—reveals something surprising. In Robert Axelrod’s famous tournaments² testing dozens of different strategies against each other, a simple “Tit for Tat” approach consistently won. This strategy has four key components:
- Start with cooperation
- If the other person defects (acts against you), respond in kind—but only once
- Return to cooperation as soon as they do
- Be clear and consistent in your responses
The winners weren’t just nice—they were also forgiving, responsive (not pushovers), and clear. In the long run, these qualities built trust and stability, even in hostile environments.
Learn This Framework in Community
Understanding these principles intellectually is one thing—but learning the practical application transforms theory into usable wisdom. This is exactly what happens in our annual Thriving Together Free Live Webinar, where you’ll discover how to apply cooperation principles through three foundational tools: transforming emotional pain into personal power, escaping language traps, and understanding thriving strategies.
Registration for the free webinar will open next week. These once-per-year educational presentations offers a solid introduction to the Kindness for a Change (KFAC) approach. You’ll learn key concepts through live teaching, have opportunities to ask questions during the Q&A, and connect with others exploring the same journey. It provides valuable insights you can begin using immediately.
Next week, I’ll explore why cooperation feels so difficult despite its benefits—and share the specific neural patterns that keep us trapped in destructive cycles.
Wishing you skillful cooperation in all your interactions,
Donal MacCoon, PhD
Kindness for a Change (KFAC)
References
¹ Veritasium. (2023, December 23). “What Game Theory Reveals About War and Conflict.” YouTube.
² Axelrod, R. (1984). The Evolution of Cooperation. Basic Books.
³ Eisler, R. (1987). The Chalice and the Blade: Our History, Our Future. Harper & Row.
? Kahneman, D. (2011). Thinking, Fast and Slow. Farrar, Straus and Giroux.
? Westen, D. et al. (2006). “Neural Bases of Motivated Reasoning.” Journal of Cognitive Neuroscience.
? Gottman, J. & Silver, N. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Crown Publishers.
? Madison Neighborhood Mediation Center. (2025). “Community Circles Program: 2024 Impact Report.”
? Based on KFAC framework and training materials.